Uncertainty and Anxiety -[Closed]-[Rrah]-

[Amur]

Baldur walked at a measured paced through the streets of Teirm, in the time to follow his less-than-good meeting with Okena, Baldur had found himself so thoroughly distracted and confused with his own feelings and sense of self. And now, he had finally come to a conclusion. He knew what had gone wrong during that encounter, and why he had ended up handling his own created situation poorly as a result. He could admit that the mistake was his, and the consequences of that day were all on his hands, which is why he had come to the conclusion that he needed to speak to Okena again. And this time, he knew how he was going to handle the situation that he already knew was on the way.

As before he had a large bag full of salted, pre-cooked, and dried meat slung over his shoulder. As he had done before, Baldur intended to speak with Okena whilst not hiding behind his human camouflage. And while he was most definitely still fairly uncertain about this, he was not going to allow that uncertainty to get to him this time. No, he had a plan of action this time around, and he was going to make sure that he stuck to it. Or at least, as best as was possible when dealing with situations involving emotional attachment.

He drew in a sharp, shallow breath as he neared his second domicile and fluidly moved the key from his pocket. After stepping over the threshold, Baldur made sure that the door was locked once again before making his way back into the same room he had used last time. After the first meeting with Okena, he had left that room in the state he had put it in, the blanket from his bed back in Morona's village still lie atop the pile of assorted cushions, and the like in the corner that he had left them in last time, and the tables he had used to keep himself stocked up with a ample supply of food were still pushed against the wall that he had set them against. In short, this time around Baldur had to do barely anything to prepare the room for his plan, since it had all been left as it had been during Baldur's initial meeting with Okena.

Almost immediately after stepping foot into the desired room Baldur set to work. Once again setting the meat that he had brought with him on the tables that he had set aside last time before setting Findinokhind on the stand that he had also set up last time. Once that was done he took the time to once again disrobe himself and store his clothes, and boots neatly in the same place that he had stored them last time. Once that was accomplished, Baldur stood in the middle of the room and once more went through the motions of dropping his camouflage.

---

Breathing heavily as he shakily made his way back to his feet, Baldur spent several long moments once again simply stretching each of his limbs in turn in order to loosen up the tense, and sore muscles. This time, however, it was much easier on him as it had only been a matter of months as opposed to years since he had last walked around in his natural form.

After limbering himself up, and inflating his vocal sac several times, Baldur wasted no time in going straight at the meat that he had left on the table before dropping his camouflage. No matter how short the span of time between changing his form, the shift always left him feeling ravenous. In fact, in a way he was quite glad that Okena was not here to bear witness to his more bestial side, there were various things about this body that Baldur was not particularly fond of, and they were not things that he wanted others to see.

Once he was finished eating, Baldur took a moment to make sure that his lower half was securely covered by the blanket that he had left here last time before he chose to activate the dead-drop. slumping down into the corner he had prepared -also last time- Baldur fell silent and simply waited. No matter what he was stuck like this for at least three days, so he may as well get comfortable. This time, however, he was calm. Still uncertain, but more focused than the last time.

[Mali]

Okena had spent the first few weeks after receiving Baldur’s answer in Teirm. She had spent the remainder of her money to get herself a hotel room and spent the entire time crying. It was the only thing she felt like doing. Even though his answer hadn’t been a flat out ‘no, it will never happen’, it also didn’t give her much hope. It would have been better if he had some form of feelings for her, then she would have hope that one day, he might be willing to have a deeper relationship with her. But he only saw her as a friend and that meant that the chances he would ever see her as something more were very slim.

After crying in her room for days, even eating smaller meals since she just didn’t feel up to regular sized meals, she moved on. She hadn’t gotten over her heartache from Baldur, but she had moved to the next town. She continued living the way she had before, performing for a living, defending herself from rude men, all the while trying to figure out what she should do with her feelings. She didn’t want to get rid of them, what if he did come to return her feelings? But she was doubtful that he would and considered getting over Baldur.

It had been months since she had heard anything from Baldur and it was about that amount of time since she had last smiled. She had walked around with a neutral look about her face. Even when she was performing, the smile was absent. And that was something that she loved doing.

Okena had tried to stay as far away from Teirm as she could, knowing that it was where Baldur had a second home. She had considered going to see Nemesis Morona, but pushed that thought aside. It was the worst place to go! What if they told Baldur that she was moping around the village?

However, her feet moved unconsciously from city to city, following the map she had. However, after a few months had passed, she stopped checking the map and just followed the trails from town to town. It was too late for her to realise that a dead drop had been activated and she had been following it until she came to their meeting spot outside Teirm. She was shocked and was about to turn around and leave when she bit her lower lip. Maybe he wanted to see her again? Checking the drop point, she found the key and a fluttering feeling entered her chest.

Taking the key, she took her time walking to the house she knew to be Baldur’s. When she unlocked the door, she didn’t call out, instead checking the rooms to see where Baldur might be. It shouldn’t have shocked her that he was in the same room as last time, and yet it still did. Opening the door slowly, she looked into the room and saw Baldur in his natural form again.

Her heart swelled at seeing him. No matter how angry and sad she was with him, every time she would see him, he would make her feel this way. She opened her mouth to speak but felt butterflies attempt to fly to her throat and closed it, worried that she might be sick. A moment passed in silence and she wondered if she should have come to see him. Looking down to her hands, she was about to turn and leave when he finally started to speak.

[Amur]

Baldur had remained seated in the previously set-up corner of comfort quite patiently as he waited for Okena to arrive. Although he had already decided how he was going to handle this meeting, he still felt uncertain about a great many details regarding said meeting, such was the way of matters regarding emotions. Nevertheless, he remained calm and in-control of himself. He didn't allow that lingering uncertainty to feed into his still gnawing anxiety, he had to take this just one step at a time. He didn't want this meeting to end in disaster like the last one had, his intention had never been to hurt Okena the way that he had ended up doing. In fact, he still couldn't quite believe that he had managed to get so off-course in the first place.

Drawing in a deep breath, and intentionally inflating his vocal sac for several seconds, Baldur closed his eyes gently before he allowed it deflate. He remained sat with his eyes closed gently for several long moments, even going as far to keep his eyes closed gently after hearing the front door open. Opening his eyes, Baldur remained sat in the corner and kept his eyes focused on the door to the room.

As Okena entered, Baldur remained silent and gave her a moment to say something should she so wish. However, as she opened her mouth and said nothing Baldur collected his thoughts just in time to prevent Okena for leaving before either of them had said anything.

"Okena, wait."
He said, making sure that he had her attention before he continued speaking.

"My intention wasn't for our last meeting to end the way it did."
He continued, pushing himself into a more upright sitting position by resting his back against the wall he was sat close to.

"This is... new territory for me, I've never once had anyone develop such feelings for me and I didn't... no, I don't know how to react to that. I swore myself off of intimate relationships quite some time ago, I promised myself that I wouldn't do to a woman what my father did to my mother. I desensitised myself to my own primal urges, and to my own emotional need for intimacy. I felt... guilty that you had managed to develop such feelings for me, and I think that because of that, despite wanting to keep your friendship that I unconsciously made an effort to put you off of me when my intention was simply to allow you to make an informed decision."
He explained slowly, oftentimes finding himself paused for several short moments in order to find the words he had selected for this meeting. He didn't allow the silence to follow his explanation to stand for too long, he wasn't quite done with his explanation yet.

"And when you didn't react the way I had expected you to react to what I really look like, I didn't know what to do. You were the first person I had ever willingly shown this to, and when you didn't reject your feelings for me, I was lost."
He concluded calmly, roughly gesturing to himself upon uttering the word "this".

"I couldn't understand how you could not only still have feelings for me, but still feel physically attracted to me after seeing what I really look like. and I still don't... my anxiety, and my guilt got the better of me and I reacted poorly. Even now, I can't help but feel as though I'm forcing you to feel what you're feeling about me simply because I'm the first person who is closest to your species that you've ever met, and you're simply settling for that. And that makes me... feel like I'm doing to you what my father did to my mother."

[Mali]

Okena turned around to face Baldur as he started to speak. At least he was going to explain things this time. Their last encounter had left her feeling hurt and angry, she didn’t think that she could do that again. Okena had strong feelings for Baldur. So what if he didn’t feel the same way back, he might, one day. But the way he just pushed her off and aside, as if she shouldn’t have such notions in her head, that made her angry. And sad. She didn’t like to think that Baldur would be so cruel. Sure, he had said that he would acknowledge her feelings, but that did nothing for her.

So instead, Okena just stood there listening to what Baldur had to say. She had no idea what had happened between his father and mother, but she was a little confused. Did Baldur not realise that he wasn’t his father? He might have been raised by the man, but that didn’t make him the same person. If he were more like his father, he wouldn’t have saved Ace. Putting her feelings for said boy aside, she acknowledged that it was admirable for Baldur to save his brother, even if he were a pyromancer. She wanted to comment on this fact, but allowed Baldur to continue speaking. She had done so much of the speaking last time, it was only fair for him to do it this time.

After he had finished speaking, Okena paused for a moment before sighing and shaking her head. She cautiously moved over toward Baldur, reaching up to brush her hand against his cheek. She had to stand on her tiptoes to do it, but she ran her hand down the side of his cheek comfortingly.

“Baldur, don’t you realise? You are not your father. You saved Ace, remember, when you had the choice to follow your father or save your brother, you chose your brother. I think that proves that you are not like your father. Even if it took you this long to figure that out,” she smiled up at him. Moving closer to him, she looked up at him, checking to see if it were alright before she moved in and wrapped her arms around him as much as she could.

“And I’m confused. Why would you think that my feelings for you, stem mainly from the fact that we’re the closest we’ll find to our own species? I mean, that’s a little harsh Baldur,” she hugged him a little tighter. “If that were the reason for my feelings, then that means I was just looking for a one time mate. I doubt I’m that worried about having children that I need to find a perfect mate before it’s too late for me. I’m rather young, I can have children well past menopause, thanks to my genetics. I have plenty of time to settle down and have children.” Okena paused for a moment, blushing against his stomach. This wasn’t a comfortable area for her and she doubted he would be any more comfortable talking about her future menopause than she was.

“But right now, we should address those insecurities of yours.” she cleared her throat briefly before standing back so Baldur could see her face clearly.

“Baldur, I don’t care what you look like. You are a beautiful person. Appearances don’t matter because you’re wonderful. Any girl would be lucky to have you at their side. Even if most would turn away at the sight of you, it’s because they wouldn’t have truly loved you, and were superficial. But I’m not turning away Baldur. I want to stand by your side. And hopefully, one day, I could call you my partner. I love you Baldur.” she beamed up at him. Hopefully he wouldn’t be confused with what she’d said. It would be best if he understood what she had said and accepted it. If they had to talk this out again, she didn’t think that she could take it. How many times would she have to tell him that he was beautiful before he believed it?

[Amur]

Baldur grew visibly tense as Okena drew closer to him after he had finished saying what he had, had to say. As she reached up and placed her hand on his cheek -or the closest approximation of a cheek that his body had, that being the jawbone close to the back of his head- he once again found himself wincing slightly at the contact, despite that, though, he allowed the contact to stand. He was still confused by all of this as it wasn't territory that he had ever thought he would tread, since he had taken an oath of celibacy in his youth, and then made efforts to destroy his interest in intimacy of any kind such confusion was at least understandable to him.

Not that such understanding offered him any solace on the matter.

When she began talking again Baldur simply remained where he was sat and listened, he allowed her to speak, not objecting to her when she altered her posture slightly and hugged him -or at least as much as she could- for one brief moment the arm that she was stood closest to moved only slightly as if in attempt to reciprocate the hug of its own accord. However, Baldur altered the movement slightly and made it seemed as though he was just trying to make the position he was sitting in more comfortable for himself. Her words, however, still caused him confusion, if her affection for him wasn't based solely for their -somewhat- shared species, then what was it based on? Why did she even have them?

He felt a brief moment of discomfort as she -for some reason- mentioned her future bodily failings, however, he didn't bother commenting on that, as judging by the slight increase in warmth he felt from her face whilst she was still pressing herself against him, she had similarly made herself uncomfortable. She was fast to shrug that off, however, and had soon moved away from him and soon continued speaking. As she spoke and explained to him why it was that she was so attracted him, Baldur still couldn't help but wonder why. He had only taught her what he could about Nirvanian culture, and history. And as much as he could about utilising her hydromancy in a more practical matter.

He still couldn't see how that made him a "beautiful" person in her eyes.

... yet, there was still a very small part of him that found it flattering. And at her high praise he once again felt the sensitive skin around his throat growing warmer.

"But... I..."
He paused, unsure of what he should say now. He understood what she was saying, he just couldn't understand why. Nevertheless, he found himself unable to comment on as much. There was just so much about this that he didn't understand, and that he felt he would likely never understand. He drew in a deep, but silent breath. Deciding instead not to repeat such a sentiment to her, knowing that she knew as much without him having to repeat such notions to her.

"But... what about the age difference... and the fact that you're... so much smaller than I am, Okena?"
He said eventually. Deciding that his lack of understanding on the current situation wouldn't help matters much.

[Mali]

Okena frowned when Baldur started to speak. At least he had moved past what they had spoken about the last time. It was better this way; she didn’t think that she would be able to handle another talk like that again. But he still confused her. Why would age matter to him? And so what if she were smaller than he was. He had a camouflage form where he wasn’t that much taller than her. Technically, if he took his height in his camouflage form and his natural form, added them together and divided by two, then he really wasn’t that much taller than her still. Height was something superficial and she felt slightly hurt that he would believe that such a thing would matter to her. Then again, maybe it was something that mattered to him?

“Age is but a number Baldur. And height is superficial. I love you the way you are. If you were younger than you are, I know you wouldn’t be as wise and I consider your being wise a good thing. It will balance out my brash naivety.” she giggled. Why were the young always so rash?

Moving further away from him, she stopped touching him, pulling her hands to her chest and crossing them. “I know that there are a lot of things about you that I don’t know, but I want to find out. I want to learn about you Baldur. I want to know you better than everyone else, including Ace. I already know what you truly look like, but I want to know everything. I want to know what you feel like—she blushed at this—I want to know the feel of your hands on my cheeks, your rough skin against mine. I want to know you intimately Baldur. But... that doesn’t matter since you don’t feel the same way,” she looked down to the floor.

“I’m sorry if that made you feel awkward. I’ll try to stop doing that,” she laughed nervously.