Dangerous Lamentations

[[-Kay-]]

Go for the comments if you wish.

[-The Beginning Of Nothing-]

Never thought I'd feel this way

Staring out the window at the grey, rainy world

Never thought I'd really care this much

Thought it'd just be a fling

Told myself for all those months that I didn't care

What everyone else thought

That they couldn't know what was going to happen

That they didn't matter

That they were wrong

But they weren't

They knew

They had told me from the beginning it wasn't going to work

And I had believed it

Thought it'd just be a fling

Just a fun time

That neither one of us would really care about the other

But I did start to care

And I did start to worry about being alone

So I really never thought I'd feel this way

Sitting at my desk

Staring out my window at the grey, rainy world

Waiting for the tea in my cup to finally drain

So I could stare at the bottom

Sure, so I'm superstitious

Never believed in any of the fortune telling

Mumbo jumbo

Then why

Oh why

Am I still sitting here

Still staring at the tea in my cup

Still caring about what people said was going to end up happening

Still faring better than some

Still wearing my hopes and dreams on a chain

But still

Why do I still stare?

Why do I still care?

Why do I still live?

WHY do I STILL keep on thinking it's going to work?

He's going to leave over the summer

I'll never get to see him

He'll be everywhere

And he'll want to do things

And with me,

He won't be able to

Because he wouldn't want to look bad

In front of me

In front of the school

In front of his parents

In front of his friends

In front of my friends

In front of any potential new fling

In front of the world

Because if that happens,

If he did

I'd be upset

I'd cry

I'd scream

I'd throw things

I'd leave

I'd punch a wall

I'd watch the blood well up from the tears

I'd watch it spill down from my knuckles

I'd let it warm my freezing fingers

I'd just bind it up then,

Let them scab over

Watch them scar

Constant reminders of him

Physical scars to remind me of the scars on my heart

Scars from having to fix my heart

After he took it and broke it

Into a thousand tiny little glass shards

It wouldn't be the only time it was broken,

and I'm still searching for some pieces from a long time ago.

But it's like that song

That song from a movie

A somewhat well known movie

Known as Moulin Rouge

It speaks of a boy

A very strange and enchanted boy

Who was shy

and sad

But who came along one day

A magic day

And they spoke of many things

Fools and kings

But in the end,

He said one thing

The greatest thing

You'll ever learn

Is just to love

and be loved in

return.

I had heard it before,

even before he had said that to me

but it was somewhat bittersweet

Like the cold dregs of tea at the bottom of a cup

A cup that had once burned your tongue

but had cooled in the time it had taken

To type up something

There really is no end

Not yet

Because it's only the beginning.

The beginning of misery

The beginning of 'I told you so'

The beginning of pain

The beginning of healing again



[-The Afterword-]



[ It didn't work......everything shattered......nothing worked........and it's all my fault.....]

[[-Kay-]]

[-Compulsion-]
_________

Sometimes you get a feeling

An urge to do something,

And you don't know why

And you can't help it

You try and try to ignore it

This driving force

This impulse

But you can't.

It's too strong and you can't help it

You give in

Not always because you want to

But because you have to

Because you feel like

If you don't

Your whole world will shatter apart

Like you'll go insane

So you give in

You let the compulsion drive you away from reason

[/blockquote]

[[-Kay-]]

[-Get Over It, It's Just Your Dreams-]

I've only known you for a while

But last night you left my life

And at first I didn't believe it

Didn't believe you wouldn't be coming back

Didn't believe you would be gone

But I was wrong

You left my life last night

And I miss you already

Because even though I've only known you for a while

You were a comet on a starless night

You made me happy

But I couldn't do anything to keep you here

It wasn't up to me

You left my life last night

And I miss you already

And now

As I sit here crying

I write this little bit of what I thought of you

For the world to see

But only me and you know what I really thought

Only me, you, and the world that saw us

And this is it

Because I can't write about the looks

The smiles

The secret jokes and laughs

But you left my life last night

And I miss you already

Last night,

In my dreams,

I was visited.

And he told me to get over it

But he left my life last night

And I miss him already

[/blockquote]

[[-Kay-]]

[-Glass Winged Butterfly-]

Anger and depression compels them,

A few hateful words to push them, her, over the edge

Lost in though, you just want the pain to go away

Like a glass winged butterfly, she was easily broken

Words shatter the wings, leaving her grounded

Trapped in a world of hurt and fear

Pain and desperation drove her to create new wings,

Beautiful scarlet wings that could take her away

Like a glass winged butterfly, she was easily shattered

Now she's gone, her scarlet wings reborn

As a crimson tear from her vein,

Settled into the earth is a scarlet box,

The glass winged butterfly emblazoned on top

[/blockquote]

[[-Kay-]]

[-Survive-]

Sometimes people hurt you,

And it seems like the end of the world.

but then you turn to someone you can trust

Someone you can talk to

And they tell you its going to be alright

That it won't happen again.

But the damage has been done,

And you aren't the same person you were before

But they don't see that you're still hurt

Still scared

And they push things too far

Your trust breaks down and suddenly

The person you were head over heels for is a source of pain

Of fear

They still don't see it

And you can't say anything.

You don't want to lose them

You don't want them to get mad

To think you're having second thoughts about the relationship

So you bite your tongue and suffer through

Till you're alone

Where you cry until it's off your mind

The cycle repeats itself the next day,

Another day to suffer

Another day to cry

Another day just trying to survive

[/blockquote]

[[-Kay-]]

[-An Afterword-]

I miss you

The unspoken words I cannot say

I miss you like crazy

I can't even express how much I do

It's like not being able to breathe

Bit by bit, I die a little more inside

But I can't even ask

Can't even speak

Because this is terrible

What I did was horrible

And now not only do you hate me

But so does everyone else

Nobody can stand me

People I thought I could consider friends

They shun me now

Hate me

Want to hurt me

Because of a decision I made

Because of a choice I had to make

Because of a mistake that I made

But nobody knows the reason why

Nobody knows why I did what I did

Nobody cares to hear

They think I'm a terrible person

And they're right

I am a bad person

But if someone just asked....

Just asked why I did what I did

Why I decided to do what I did

I'd tell them

And maybe, hopefully

They'd understand

But they won't

Because they don't care

I'm on the Black List

And only one decision can get me off of it

And I can't make that choice

I can't do that

Because it won't just hurt me

It'll hurt him

It'll hurt the person I hurt even more

And I just can't make that choice

Not after all of this

Not after what I said

What I did

So I'll just stick to these words

The words I can't say

I miss you

I'm sorry

Sometimes I wish you were back

But you need to move on with your life

You need to find someone else

Someone who'll make you happy

Because I won't....

I won't make you happy....

I'll only hurt you

I've already showed you this....

I'll only hurt you

And I miss you

And I can't even tell you how much it hurts to say this

But forget about me

Forget I exist

Forget everything I ever said

Forget that I'm here

Move on to someone else.....

Move on to her....

She'll treat you right......

But I'll miss you...

But I can't have you back....

But dear God, I'll miss you.......

Just forget about me and move on....

Just forget.

[/blockquote]

[[-Kay-]]

[-17 Months, 4 Days, 2 Moments-]
_______

17 months of bliss

16 months of knowing

15 months of curiosity

14 months of secrets

13 months of suspicion

12 months of trust broken

11 months of secrets kept

10 months of curiosity stifled

9 months of knowing too much

8 months of bliss ruined

7 months thinking it over

6 months of not knowing what to do

5 months of waiting

4 months of strain

3 months of broken promises

2 decisions

1 month of nervousness



1 moment of hatred, pain, broken trust, and suffering...



4 days of strain

3 days of not telling

2 days of anger

1 day of tears



1 moment to hate the decision to end it all

1 moment to realize, that nothing would change

1 moment to realize to let it all go

1 moment to realize it's too late

[/blockquote]

[[-Kay-]]

[-Double Irritation-]
____

How do you feel when your tears freeze and the blood in your veins turns to ice?

Broken smile,
Starless sky,
Grab it all,
Say goodbye

[/blockquote]